Staying close to our children until they find sleep is an act that is not unanimously approved. Some argue that it is necessary to teach our little ones to fall asleep on their own, while others swear by this routine.
A mother posted her personal experience and opinion on this issue on Today's Parents:
Downstairs, an explosion of dishes, laundry and stray toys is waiting to be taken care of. Upstairs, the children ask for a story, a glass of water, a hug, anything that can keep us a minute longer. All I want is to get this part of the day over so I can go downstairs before I don't have any energy left to scrub the dishes.
"Mom, do you want to lie down with me?" asks my daughter. And I sigh because it wasn't really planned. But I don't want to do the dishes either. So I slip under her pink duvet in the calm of her room and she squeezes my face. She smells of bath soap and hot milk, and whispers, "Let's talk about our day."
It's a ritual we started when she was small, before bedtime. We reflect on the day: what was fun, what was hard, what made us happy, what made us sad.
It is here in her bed that I learn the most about her, and that she learns the most about me. And sometimes it's the first time in the day we touch in a significant way.
Inevitably, she closes her eyes and pulls my hand towards her, comforted to know that I'm right next to her.
I never intended to be a parent who lies down with her children until they fall asleep. On the contrary, I had in mind that children should fall asleep alone, with the lights off. Not only because we still have a life to live after our children are in bed, but because I thought it was in their best interest to learn to self-soothe.
My convictions have changed over the five years since I became a mother. My eldest daughter has always needed to be near us to fall asleep. We rocked her to sleep as a newborn, sang for her as a baby, and fell asleep with her as a toddler. Even now, she still needs us nearby - often in her room, but preferably in her bed. Is it a terrible habit that we let her develop? Maybe.
But at the end of the day, does it really matter?
The truth is: she will learn to fall asleep on her own soon enough. We will not send her to college with a clone of us to curl up with in her dorm room. Before we realize it, there will be closed doors and independence, and we will be nostalgic about the days when she needed to feel our hand on her back to feel safe enough to fall asleep.
The idea of lying down with your children - as well as other child-centered practices such as on-demand feeding, carrying and cosleeping - form the basis of parental attachment, a style that seems to match my values as a parent.
Proximal parenting is not a strict set of guidelines. It is a general philosophy of education that emphasizes physical support and comfort to give children a sense of security when they need it.
According to Susan Krauss Whitbourne, a professor of psychological and brain sciences at the University of Massachusetts at Amherst, there is evidence that proximal parenting enables children to succeed as adults.
"When you separate the popular exaggerations on PA from more objective scientific studies, it's a sensible approach that promotes physical and psychological health in children," Whitbourne wrote in a 2013 article in Psychology Today.
"We know from extensive research that adults who have developed a strong attachment to their parents have happier, less conflictual lives. There is even research to suggest that they could be better parents themselves."
Research was conducted in 2010 by Patrice Marie Miller and Michael Lamport Commons at the Harvard Medical School.
"Proximity parenting is about continuing to be very sensitive to the child's needs," write Miller and Commons in their paper, "The Benefits of Parenting Attachment for Infants and Children". "The benefits include less exposure to stress, which affects brain development and subsequent reactions to stress. This has been shown to reduce mental health problems in later development ".
"Another important psychological benefit is safe attachment, which is the child's tendency to seek contact with a parent when in distress and to be comforted effectively by that contact. The result of more effective emotion regulation and secure attachment is that children engage more effectively in essential development tasks, including peer relationships and schooling."
Of course, not all children need their parents to help regulate stress and anxiety in the same way. My younger daughter is usually able to fall asleep alone, but her needs have always been different from those of her sister.
I came to understand that because my children are so fundamentally different, there is no single approach to raising them. And as they grow up, their needs - and what they need from me as a parent - will continue to evolve.
I do not know what's going on in my eldest daughter's mind as she goes to bed at night waiting for sleep to come. I do not know her worries and tensions and I do not understand how my presence helps her to put her worries aside.
All I know is that as long as she needs me by her side, I'll be there for her. I give her my arms when she needs to feel close and move away when she needs to feel independent. I will always try to be a receptive and compassionate parent. And right now, that means sleeping with her under her pink duvet in the calm of her room.
